Hammers and Strings

Its good to be home this weekend. I've been away for about three months and I really needed this time to catch up with my family (not to mention the fact that my sister is graduating from high school this weekend). However, this weekend has been a reminder of how my past is still following and haunting me. By past, I mean my time with the band. 

I've been to a few graduation parties over the past few days. Its usually a great way to reconnect with old friends and see people who you haven't talked to in a really long time. But to make things awkward, I've had so many people ask about the band. "I love your music!" says one person I know. "I bought all of your stuff on iTunes and listen to it all the time! When will your full length be coming out?" It makes my stomach turn when I have to tell people about the choices I've made. It causes me pain to think about the friendships I formed with the other members of the band and how they have dissolved completely over the past few months. No more are those late nights of me lying in bed, wide awake after a show, with my ears ringing and pulse pounding. It was such a big part of my life. And as lame as it sounds, I've had issues with letting it go. 

This afternoon at a graduation party, there was a local cover band playing. Between songs the host yells, "Have you guys ever heard of that band, (fill in my band's name here *privacy*)?" And I'm thinking "Yeah right lady. You really think they will have ever heard of us?" Much to my surprise, the lead singer goes, "Yeah...(pause) as a matter of fact I have! Great songwriting! I even went to one of their shows a year back when they opened for (insert headliner here) and I  left being more impressed with them than (insert headliner here)!"

I just melted inside. I can't even believe that something I've been so quick to just want to leave in the past has left such a lasting impression on so many people. Who knows what will happen to the band, but the bottom line is this: Music lasts forever. After tonight, I'm a little bit more grounded and remember that I believe everything happens for a reason. I could write an entire blog post on my view of "fate" but I'll spare that for now. 

I'm a piano player, it was my first "musical love" I guess you can say. For those who don't know, a piano is made up of hammers and strings that give the piano sound. I love playing, I will always love playing. I'll leave you with a song by the band Jack's Mannequin that describes this aspect (and other aspects) my life right now. Plus, its pretty much been stuck in my head all day:

These hammers and strings been following me around

From a box-filled garage to the dark punk rock clubs of one thousand American towns

And my friend calls me up, she says "How have you been?"

I say "Dear I've been well! Yeah, the money's come in, but I miss you like hell.

I still hear you in this old piano"

She says, "Andy, I know that we don't talk as much but I still hear your ghost in these old punk rock clubs. Come on, write me a song. Give me something to trust. Just promise you won't let it be just the keys that you touch."

Give me something to believe in. 

A breath from the breathing. So write it down, I don't think that I'll close my eyes.

'Cause lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping?

Its just that at night, I've got nowhere to hide.

So I write you a lullaby.

These hammers and strings been following me around. 

Behind passenger vans, through the snow, dirt and sands, of one thousand American towns.

And my friend calls me up with her heart heavy still

She says, "Andy, the doctors prescribed me the pills.

but I know I'm not crazy, I just lost my will. 

So why am I? Why am I taking them still?

Give me something to believe in. 

A breath from the breathing. So write it down, I don't think that I'll close my eyes.

'Cause lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping?

Its just that at night, I've got nowhere to hide.

To the sleepless this is my reply:

I write you a lullaby.

Goodnight. Sleep well. Peace.

Its Been Awhile, but Its all Going Well.

This week was my first week working the new job at the hospital. I really really enjoyed my first week, but boy did it wear me out! The day shifts start at 7 am and I worked four of them back to back this week. Plus, I was out on a Wednesday night because a good friend of mine turned 21. Work hard, play hard. Thats the motto I usually live by. 

I really don't have many complaints as of lately. The only thing is that I'm sad because I miss people who have gone away for the summer. But it really makes my day to talk to them every now and then, whether it be on the phone, text, email, etc. 

Also, this past week, I had a really good conversation with a friend who I haven't known for very long. Turns out, they really motivated me to give some aspects of my life a chance. I was down about something I wasn't really so sure about, but this friend reminded me that I need to have the courage to give some things a chance. I can't really elaborate on that now, but maybe if/when the time is appropriate, I will. It made me that much more glad that I'm friends with that person now. 

I'll be visiting home this coming weekend, as the sister will be graduating high school. Boy do I feel old. Looking forward to it very much. I love my family and miss them. It will be good to catch up after all these months away.

Something I learned this week that I want to leave with you: compliment people often. Telling someone something positive about themselves can bring a smile to their face and it just makes you feel really warm inside. This world would be better if we all just took a few seconds to tell each other what we admire in each other.

Have a good week. Enjoy the beautiful weather, if you have it where you are :P 

Peace.

I Need Something More Genuine...

Alright. I can't fall asleep because I have this on my mind (I have trouble sleeping if stuff is bothering me, its just how I am). If you're reading, don't assume I'm talking about you and get all worried, most of this is just general. And don't take this the wrong way but I feel like I need more genuine relationships. That's just it, plain and simple. One of my pet peeves is fake people. Don't play mind games with me, tell me how something is. If you have a problem with something, let me know. Be honest. Lack of communication never solved anything. 

Take my most recent girlfriend for example. She would never come out and say (immediately) how she felt about something and this drove me nuts! If there is something you need to say, just come right and and say it for shit's sake!

I want friendships that are real. Friendships with substance. Sometimes I feel like that may be asking for too much, but I feel like I am constantly giving and giving of myself and not receiving anything in return. I don't know how better else to explain it right now than this: sometimes, I feel like the effort I put into my friendships with certain people is not reciprocated. Yet, I believe this is the life I'm called to: To love without expecting it in return all the time. But I'm finding you can only go so far without receiving love in return before it starts to truly wear on you.

 I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm not going to go back and read it because I'm working at 7 am tomorrow and I really need to fall asleep like its my job. 

If you take away anything from this post, let it be this: I love my friends. Really. No bullshit, I love them. I am a bit overprotective of them at times. I don't care, its how I'm hardwired as a human being. I would do anything for my friends. I lose heart because I wonder and wonder and wonder...does it go the same way for me? This was rough. Until next time. Goodnight.

This is your time.

As said before, music has such a huge impact on my life. For most of my life, I never really paid much attention to the lyrics in music or the stories that they often tell. Not because I made the conscious decision to just not pay attention to them, but because I'm an instrumentalist so I pay much more attention to rhythms, meter, instrumentation, etc. Then I met my band mates and they opened my eyes to how lyrics are just as much an important part of the song as instrumentation. Ever since, I've understood that can lyrics speak in ways that normal sentences cannot. 

I've talked about transitions I'm going through right now. This has made me realize that there is a time for everything in life (the general theme of my post). With this thought, I recall a song by the band "Between the Trees" called "A Time for Yohe". The chorus goes like this: 

This is your time to weep

This is your time to mourn

Not yet time to build up

Just a time to tear down

Old walls

The chorus of the song bears a striking resemblance to a verse in the Bible. Not too many individuals know it, but Christianity is a pretty important part of my life. I'm not perfect at it by any means what-so-ever, but I find a great deal of meaning in reading what the Bible has to say. Ecclesiastes 3 says the following: 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven;

A time to be born, and a time to die

A time to plant, and a time to uproot

A time to kill, and a time to heal

A time to tear down, and a time to build

A time to weep, and a time to laugh

A time to mourn, and a time to dance

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain

A time to search, and a time to give up

A time to keep, and a time to throw away

A time to tear, and a time to mend

A time to be silent, and a time to speak

A time to love, and a time to hate

A time for war, and a time for peace

Without going too in-depth, both of these passages, song and book, remind me that we go through trials and tribulations in this life. There are speed bumps in the road to slow us down and help us re evaluate where we're going, who we're becoming. Each experience, whether we see it as a blessing or curse, is something that we can take away from, learn from. I don't always keep this in perspective. With the bad, I will remember to take bits of good with me. 

Hindsight is always 20/20. I've been in circumstances where I'm not happy with decisions I've made. Again, I'm far from being perfect. But in the end, I'm happy to say that I've taken something from those experiences and helped shape the better person I try to become every day. 

On that note, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes. It comes from author Matthew Kelly. I have it printed on a piece of paper, stuck to my wall so that I see it in the morning when I'm getting ready for my day. Maybe you think its cheesy that I do this,  but I think it helps me start off the day on the right foot. Kelly poses this simple question to himself each day: 

"What will it take today for me to become the better person I know I can be?"

I want to challenge each of you (whoever reads what I have to say) to do all you can every day to be the better version of yourself that you know you are capable of being. After all, as the Jon Foreman from Switchfoot asks in one of his songs, "This is your life. Are you who you want to be?" (ok enough with the quotes now). 

This was a bit heavy. But its been on my heart recently and I felt like sharing it. Until next time. Peace.

One door shuts. Another opens.

A new chapter of my life is starting this summer. And like the title says, the door of my sophomore year has closed and the door to the other half of my undergraduate career has opened and its kind of exciting. Also, I apologize for not updating since my initial post but my life has been a little more than crazy lately. I am grateful to have a few followers now because I now I feel like I have more of an audience to write for and I really enjoy reading what everyone else has to say! Its kind of affirming to know that people actually care about what you have to say on here.

So this past Friday, I moved out of my residence hall (I call them that because my boss at undergraduate admission shudders at the word "dorm"). I was actually quite prepared, everything taken down and put into boxes for the most part. I was moving into the fraternity house, which I was very happy about, but the guy who was living in my room happened to move out 2 hours after he said he would. I'm over it now, but I was a bit edgy at the time I'll admit. Then, he didn't clean the room, left stuff in some of the drawers AND left me a wardrobe with one door. Long story short, I was rushed to get out of the residence hall before it closed and into my new room over at the house. Thanks to my best friend, I made it happen. I would have never been able to do it without his help. However, the only problem was, I left immediately afterwards to go on a weekend long canoe trip with some of my brothers. 

The canoe trip was a freeing experience. No really, I'm not bullshitting here. It was so relaxing! I love to canoe (been several times now), and my partner was an alumnus from the chapter who I really didn't know that well. Talking with him and getting to know him better was a great experience. We talked about our jobs, life in general, the chapter and the way it used to be, and so many other things. He had been on several really intense week-long canoe trips out of the country so this weekend getaway was child's play for him. We were always up ahead of everyone else, surveying the river and giving other people tips on how to navigate the fallen tree branches and rocks. We didn't tip once! Some of us in the group were not so lucky. One my brothers, after tipping out of the canoe, grabbed a tree branch to avoid being swept away by the current and ended up with a pretty nasty "tree burn" down his arm along with a small puncture wound from a fishing hook. A quick dressing from me (yay nursing skills) out of my first aid kit made things better. This sounds cheesy, but I love being that guy that people call on when they're hurt or need help. We camped on the river Saturday night and canoed the rest of the way into the livery on Sunday. We covered 35 miles on the river. Then I dropped in to see my Dad for a few hours before making the long drive back up to campus. Unfortunately, my mom and sister were at a dance competition. 

So, I got in late (midnight ish) back to campus and just wanted to sleep. Remember, everything I own is still in boxes at this point. I cleared a path through the boxes to my bed, set my alarm and passed out. This morning, I sat through corporate training for the new job for 8 hours (met a cute southern girl here on an internship for the summer) and ended up back to my pile of boxes at the end of the day. Sweet. 

My room (several hours later now) is starting to feel a bit more like home. I fixed the wardrobe and have started hanging a few things on the walls. Its good to get settled in. I'm about to go grocery shopping. GROCERY SHOPPING! This is such a daunting task. I never thought I'd say it, but I feel like fending for my own meals will be tough. However, a new experience and something to learn from. 

Why have I rambled about all this? Well, so you would know how busy I really was and also, so you could possibly see how my life is starting to take a different direction. A good direction. Nevertheless, I am still adjusting to some of the changes. One of them is no longer having a girlfriend. YES, I know. It didn't last for that long, and I'm not dwelling on it. But I actually thought about it today for the first time in about a week, and how it just really sucks that things turned out the way they did. I mean, I wasn't even able to salvage a friendship with this girl. That was her choice though. And if that's the way she wants it then...well...I guess that's how its going to be. 

To conclude, I hope people actually do, indeed, want to be reading what I have to say. I hope people will continue to blog because I enjoy reading them! To all my friends who have left me for the summer, I hope that you are getting the relaxation you deserve after a good year. I miss you, and will probably be trying to talk to you every now and then. Don't ever hesitate to drop me a line. I love hearing from people. So, until next time. Peace.

So lets give this a try...

"It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." I can't stand Charles' Dickens novel, A Tale of Two Cities, but this quote is what comes to mind when I think about my life right now, and I will elaborate with all of the awesome things I have going for me along with the speed bumps I've encountered along the way. And not to be all melodramatic on my first ever blog post but I feel like this would be an effective way to introduce myself. 

Before I get started, I'm blogging on the recommendation of a good friend of mine. I'm hesitant, but I'm going to give this a shot. Let's start with something good:

I got an awesome job offer for this summer! Its in the line of work that I'm studying for and it pays well. Besides that, I think it will be a great experience. I worked really hard on the job application and it paid off. I'll work this job, as well as continue my work as a research assistant this summer. AND I have to take a class that I'm going to hate....oh well. Lets get it out of the way now. I'll live in my fraternity house, so that will be fun. Thus, I move to my next topic.

I'm in a fraternity (of which, I'm happy to say, I was recently elected vice president of) and its pretty much the best decisions I've ever made since coming to college. One of the best decisions in my life, I'd venture to go that far I suppose. In this fraternity, I've had the chance to make some of the best friends I've ever had. I knew joining would be a life long commitment and I now understand that the commitment goes beyond the organization itself but reaches as far as the relationships you will have with your brothers the rest of your life. Not bad for a "drinking club, eh?" (with a tone of sarcasm). In the greek fraternity system, we have big brothers and little brothers. The big brother is the guy who is always there for his little, a mentor of sorts I guess you could say. He is always looking out for his little, no matter what. I love my big, he's the man. He can always make me laugh and put a smile on my face, even when I'm in the worst of moods.  Then, there is my little. Finding out that I was chosen to fill the position of a "big brother" in the fraternity was one of the happiest moments of my life. He's smart, athletic, hilarious and just a great kid who inspires me in a lot of ways. I am so glad our paths crossed. I could go on forever about our friendship but the bottom line is he's an important part of my life and I feel like I'm a pretty good big brother to him and I wouldn't have this any other way. 

Now for something recent that happened that kind of sent me over the edge. Don't worry, I've since recovered. But I started dating this girl who I felt was amazing. We just connected so quickly and things evolved from there into my first serious relationship in almost two years. However, the whole thing quickly went downhill. She wasn't really the person I originally thought she was. And as bad as this sounds: The more I hung out with her, the more I realized there were some things about her that made my stomach turn. Quite literally. I hesitated to end things, thinking I hadn't really given it a chance but I realized that I am who I am, and she is who she is. There is simply no changing this. So, I grew a pair and ended it. Not fun. Plus she did not take it well at all. She acted pretty immature, actually. Further proof that she wasn't right for me. I'm doing surprisingly well, but that doesn't mean I'm not really disappointed that things didn't work out between the two of us. (Heavy sigh).

On another note, there is my best friend. We've had our fair share of problems but I really enjoy being around him and spending time with him. We are COMPLETELY different people but we just get along with each other so well. However, things have been sort of different. Recently, I've kind of been questioning if he even really cares about me anymore. Sometimes, I feel ignored by him. Other times, I feel like he is deliberately being distant and I can't quite figure out why. I'm always extremely courteous to him, but I don't feel like this is reciprocated. The same day I was thinking about breaking up with the girl, I was so torn up about how he had been treating me and I just couldn't settle down. Instead of doing something drastic (like saying things I don't really mean), I went downstairs to sit at the piano and play, one of my favorite things to do. I had forgotten how much music just melts away at your anxiety, your anger. After that I could think much more rationally. Later that night, I broke up with the girl and guess who the first one there to comfort me was? My best friend. So we had a heart to heart and it turns out, he doesn't realize most of the time he treats me the way he does and apologized for it, reassuring me he's always here for me when I need him. I'm glad to have this aspect of my life resolved.

The last thing I'll talk about (sorry this is so long) is my love for music that I started to mention briefly before. I play three instruments and from age 6 and onward, music has been an undeniably HUGE part of my life. I've played in several bands, some of which have toured all over the United States and world (including Africa and London England). I just recently quit my band of two and half years to stay in school. I know right? People look at me like I'm crazy sometimes. The band will be living out in Los Angeles, California working with two Grammy Award-Winning producers. Now, this is cool, yet it is a huge gamble because there is no major label affiliated with this deal. Deciding to leave this band was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. Leaving has caused all sorts of complications between me and the members (legally and emotionally) and I don't feel that I'll ever really be close friends with any of them ever again, as sad as that is to say. I get quite depressed about it a lot, and people don't realize it because I just don't talk openly about it. I'm still not quite over it but nevertheless, I play on, not for hundreds of people this time but for myself - which can be so much more rewarding I've found. 

Thanks for reading (whoever will decide to follow this thing?) and I feel like this was just a giant cluster of stuff about me. In the future, I'd like to take a bit more of a profound, insightful approach to my posting. Because, in my opinion, blogging should be beneficial to the blogger as well as the reader. If you found anything beneficial about reading about all the "stuff" that is going on with me right now...well great. Come back in the future. Even if you didn't find anything beneficial, come back in the future. 

PS - I won't be providing names, or details about stuff on this page for privacy, etc. Plus I like to keep people guessing at times :P